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I don't know why, it's always been that way. When everyone else is all excited "OMG New Year New Life New Possibilities/spasm" I am left with a sense of loss. Like right now it's New Year's Eve and I end it the same way I began it, alone and with nothing, and another long year stretches before me and I just feel so tired. I'm tired, guys. I don't want to do this anymore. I can't breathe with the weight of another year stretched out before me, I can't. I don't see the possibilities.
Even when I'm all Cheerful!Amy, I feel this way. I don't like starting new things, I don't like meeting new people and I don't like having to begin again. I still haven't accomplished what I wanted to accomplish the last year, and it's already time for a new one? Bullshit. Disheartening.
I should be finishing this today, but instead I think I'll go take a nap. It's not like I have any other plans to get in the way. I was invited to a New Years party, by someone I don't even like, to be with people I don't know or don't care to be around, especially drinking. The people I would want to see are either too far away or are busy or just...
Never mind. I'm letting myself get sucked down right now. It's just... it's so hard to be positive and not give up when you are so alone. No one there to smile at you or give you encouragement. And yes, you guys try, but let's face it, that's not what I'm so sad about, not at all.
But I'm still sitting here, with the lights off, in this apartment and it's dark and messy and I don't want to move. I don't want to breathe anymore.
Yeah, I haven't been taking my medicine, can you tell? Mostly this has just been an exercise is me purging myself of the bitter loneliness because I have no other outlet that will matter (or read my emails, but fuck him anyway.)
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel abandoned, and how to say that? How to admit that it's not enough to know feelings, I need to actually feel like I'm important enough to have in his life. Some friendship. If something happened to me, he wouldn't know until way too late. And that's not how it should be.
So I should give up.
Even when I'm all Cheerful!Amy, I feel this way. I don't like starting new things, I don't like meeting new people and I don't like having to begin again. I still haven't accomplished what I wanted to accomplish the last year, and it's already time for a new one? Bullshit. Disheartening.
I should be finishing this today, but instead I think I'll go take a nap. It's not like I have any other plans to get in the way. I was invited to a New Years party, by someone I don't even like, to be with people I don't know or don't care to be around, especially drinking. The people I would want to see are either too far away or are busy or just...
Never mind. I'm letting myself get sucked down right now. It's just... it's so hard to be positive and not give up when you are so alone. No one there to smile at you or give you encouragement. And yes, you guys try, but let's face it, that's not what I'm so sad about, not at all.
But I'm still sitting here, with the lights off, in this apartment and it's dark and messy and I don't want to move. I don't want to breathe anymore.
Yeah, I haven't been taking my medicine, can you tell? Mostly this has just been an exercise is me purging myself of the bitter loneliness because I have no other outlet that will matter (or read my emails, but fuck him anyway.)
I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel abandoned, and how to say that? How to admit that it's not enough to know feelings, I need to actually feel like I'm important enough to have in his life. Some friendship. If something happened to me, he wouldn't know until way too late. And that's not how it should be.
So I should give up.
new blog post
Not much new here in the creative area. I've posted a few more older things, as you may have seen, but nothing recent. I seem to have misplaced my muse.
But if you're curious, there's a few new blog posts over at cloudurchin.wordpress.com. Mostly just disjointed ramblings fueled by insomnia and crap depression meds, but whatever.
Semi-comfortably Numb
Putting in a short blurb for my personal blog.
cloudurchin.wordpress.com
I intended it to be pretty random, but so far it's just been emotional word vomit. But reasons.
If anyone is interested in the ramblings of a woman who has bpd with ptsd, clicky clicky. If not then go about your business.
O_O
OMFG.
So the other night, I had a horrible fucking dream. I am only able to throw out random phrases here but: Possessed by a demon. The feel of snapping someone's neck with my bare, though demonic strengthened hands. Marching in marching band... wtf, I was NEVER in band. I was one of the band mana- nope. not going there. My dead friend Crystal was there. She often is and I don't know why. Maybe because I have a lot of internal guilt about some kid issues and she represents it because she's forever young? Idk. Oh and there was this immigrant kid who was like... waaaay too young and she was pregnant. And it was awful. AWFUL.
So I haven't sle
Letters from Wendy-lady to Peter Pan
The Boy,
Give me a sign.
Are you here?
The Girl
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