Beginnings feel like endings to me

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mothermagdalen's avatar
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I don't know why, it's always been that way.  When everyone else is all excited "OMG New Year New Life New Possibilities/spasm" I am left with a sense of loss.  Like right now it's New Year's Eve and I end it the same way I began it, alone and with nothing, and another long year stretches before me and I just feel so tired.  I'm tired, guys.  I don't want to do this anymore.  I can't breathe with the weight of another year stretched out before me, I can't.  I don't see the possibilities.  

Even when I'm all Cheerful!Amy, I feel this way.  I don't like starting new things, I don't like meeting new people and I don't like having to begin again.  I still haven't accomplished what I wanted to accomplish the last year, and it's already time for a new one?  Bullshit.  Disheartening.

I should be finishing this today, but instead I think I'll go take a nap.  It's not like I have any other plans to get in the way.  I was invited to a New Years party, by someone I don't even like, to be with people I don't know or don't care to be around, especially drinking.  The people I would want to see are either too far away or are busy or just...

Never mind.  I'm letting myself get sucked down right now.  It's just... it's so hard to be positive and not give up when you are so alone.  No one there to smile at you or give you encouragement.  And yes, you guys try, but let's face it, that's not what I'm so sad about, not at all.  

But I'm still sitting here, with the lights off, in this apartment and it's dark and messy and I don't want to move.  I don't want to breathe anymore.

Yeah, I haven't been taking my medicine, can you tell?  Mostly this has just been an exercise is me purging myself of the bitter loneliness because I have no other outlet that will matter (or read my emails, but fuck him anyway.)  

I just don't know what to do anymore.  I feel abandoned, and how to say that?  How to admit that it's not enough to know feelings, I need to actually feel like I'm important enough to have in his life.  Some friendship.  If something happened to me, he wouldn't know until way too late.  And that's not how it should be.  

So I should give up.
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